Ask Sanyin: How Can I Turn Around a Difficult Work Relationship?

I frequently butt heads with one of my team members. We don’t agree on anything, and they don’t appreciate what I’m doing. What are my options?

The reality is that each of us is likely to rub someone the wrong way, and today’s workplace is especially challenging. The workforce spans five generations and a multitude of working styles and expectations. Remote and hybrid work require more asynchronous and often transactional digital communications, making it harder to establish good connections.

Whatever your disagreements with this colleague appear to be about, the underlying dynamic that’s keeping you both stuck in a nonproductive dance is a lack of trust. That’s where we need to begin repairing relationships: building trust.

Discord is obvious to everyone, and it drags down the team. When you’re at the C-suite level, you’re an enterprise leader: Fixing this starts with you. Resist the urge to prove that you’re right or smart or capable. Instead, think about what an ideal working relationship with this teammate would look like and what needs to change to achieve that.

Get introspective. Which of their behaviors would you like to see more or less of? When you consider your interactions with them, which of your behaviors would you like to change? Might you be triggering their sense of distrust in you? How might they be misinterpreting your intent based on your actions? Interrogate your biases to reflect honestly about the possible sources of your negative perceptions and your role in the situation.

Try to understand intentions. Avoid making assumptions; while you may know to avoid negative ones, even assuming positive intent is not as effective as seeking clarity on what another person is actually thinking. Take the initiative to reach out with an open-ended question, such as, “When you said X, I wasn’t sure where you were coming from. Can you help me understand?” That can be the start of honest conversation. Seek to learn about the experiences that shaped the person’s point of view. If you run team meetings, dedicate some of the time to team-building and bolstering relationships.

Appreciate their contributions. While you can’t make someone else appreciate you, you can show that you value them. Finding something that you like in them and what they contribute to the team is essential for future collaboration.